Emotional Regulation: 10 Skills Therapists Teach Most
What emotional regulation really means and ten practical, evidence-informed skills to manage big feelings without suppressing them.
How to Self-Soothe as an Adult: 15 Ways to Calm Yourself
What self-soothing is, why it matters for anxious and attachment-hurt nervous systems, and practical ways to comfort yourself.
By Mara Ellison··3 min read
The short version
- Self-soothing is calming and comforting yourself when distressed.
- Many adults never learned it, especially if comfort was missing in childhood.
- The five senses are a fast route to soothing.
Self-soothing means giving yourself comfort when you’re upset, the way a caring adult soothes a crying child. DBT teaches it as a distress tolerance skill, often through the five senses.
Through the senses
Sight: 1. Look at photos of a calm place. 2. Watch clouds or water. 3. Light a candle.
Sound: 4. Calm music. 5. Nature sounds. 6. Hum or sing softly (the vibration and long exhale help).
Smell: 7. A favorite scent: lavender, coffee, fresh laundry.
Taste: 8. Slowly sip a warm drink. 9. A piece of chocolate, eaten mindfully.
Touch: 10. A weighted or soft blanket. 11. A warm shower. 12. Hand on your chest. 13. Pet an animal.
Through the body
- Slow breathing with long exhales.
- Gentle rocking or swaying.
Why it matters
If you have anxious attachment, learning to soothe yourself reduces dependence on others’ reassurance. If you experienced emotional neglect, self-soothing helps you offer the comfort you didn’t get.
Make a “soothe kit”: a box with a few sensory items, a calm playlist link and a note to yourself.
Try it: Breathing PacerAn animated breathing guide with box breathing, 4-7-8, slow-exhale breathing and the physiological sigh.
Open Questions people ask
Is self-soothing the same as distraction?
They overlap. Distraction moves attention away; self-soothing actively comforts. Both are useful in short doses.
Written by Mara EllisonWriter behind Therapist Words and author of two self-help books. Not a licensed therapist; content is checked against professional sources. About · Editorial policy
This article is for education, not therapy or medical advice. Read our disclaimer. In crisis? Call or text 988.
