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Loneliness: Why It Hurts and How to Build Connection
Why loneliness matters for health, the difference between being alone and feeling lonely, and practical steps to build connection as an adult.
By Mara Ellison··3 min read
Photo: Beth Chobanova on Unsplash
The short version
- Loneliness is the gap between the connection you have and the connection you want.
- The US Surgeon General has called loneliness a public health concern.
- Small, repeated interactions build connection over time.
You can feel lonely in a crowd, in a marriage, in an office full of people. Loneliness isn’t about how many people are around you; it’s about whether you feel connected.
Why it matters
In 2023, the US Surgeon General issued an advisory calling loneliness and isolation a public health concern, citing links to heart disease, depression, anxiety and earlier death.
Alone vs. lonely
- Solitude is chosen and can be restorative.
- Loneliness is painful, unwanted disconnection.
Why connection gets harder as adults
- Fewer built-in social settings than school
- Moves, remote work and busy schedules
- Social anxiety or past rejection
- The belief that others are already “full”
Building connection
- Repeat exposure: see the same people regularly (a class, a gym, a volunteer shift). Friendship often grows from repetition.
- Make the first move: most people are waiting for someone else to.
- Small reach-outs: a text, a meme, “thinking of you.”
- Deepen one relationship rather than widening many.
- Join something: faith communities, clubs, community gardens, support groups.
- Notice negative predictions (“they won’t want to”) and test them.
Questions people ask
Is loneliness a mental illness?
No, it’s a common human experience. But chronic loneliness is linked with depression and anxiety and deserves attention.
Written by Mara EllisonWriter behind Therapist Words and author of two self-help books. Not a licensed therapist; content is checked against professional sources. About · Editorial policy
Sources and further reading
This article is for education, not therapy or medical advice. Read our disclaimer. In crisis? Call or text 988.
