Ambiguous Loss: Grieving Someone Who Is Still Here
Ambiguous loss explained: grieving estrangement, dementia, addiction or a changed relationship, and how to live with unresolved loss.
Grief Isn’t Five Stages: What Grief Actually Looks Like
Why the five stages of grief are misunderstood, how grief really moves, and ways to carry it with more gentleness.
By Mara Ellison··3 min read
Photo: Fiona Smallwood on Unsplash
The short version
- The five stages were never meant as a fixed sequence.
- Grief often moves back and forth between loss and daily life.
- Prolonged grief that stays disabling deserves professional support.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The five stages came from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s work with dying patients. They became famous as a checklist for grief, which was never the intention.
How grief really moves
Researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut proposed the dual process model: grieving people move back and forth between:
- Loss-oriented time: crying, remembering, longing
- Restoration-oriented time: daily tasks, new roles, distraction, rest
Both are healthy. Oscillating between them is part of coping.
What grief can feel like
- Waves that come out of nowhere
- Exhaustion and brain fog
- Anger, guilt, relief, numbness, sometimes all at once
- Physical aches
- Feeling okay, then guilty for feeling okay
Gentle ways to carry grief
- Let it come in waves without judging the timeline.
- Keep simple routines.
- Talk about the person or loss.
- Create rituals: anniversaries, letters, meaningful places.
- Accept help.
When grief needs more support
Prolonged grief disorder is a recognized diagnosis in the US (DSM-5-TR). It involves intense longing or preoccupation that lasts at least a year after a death (six months in children), impairing daily life. Therapy can help.
If grief brings thoughts of not wanting to live, please call or text 988.
Questions people ask
How long does grief last?
There’s no set timeline. Many people find grief softens over time while the love remains. Anniversaries can bring it back.
Written by Mara EllisonWriter behind Therapist Words and author of two self-help books. Not a licensed therapist; content is checked against professional sources. About · Editorial policy
Sources and further reading
This article is for education, not therapy or medical advice. Read our disclaimer. In crisis? Call or text 988.
