Grief Isn’t Five Stages: What Grief Actually Looks Like
Why the five stages of grief are misunderstood, how grief really moves, and ways to carry it with more gentleness.
Ambiguous Loss: Grieving Someone Who Is Still Here
Ambiguous loss explained: grieving estrangement, dementia, addiction or a changed relationship, and how to live with unresolved loss.
By Mara Ellison··3 min read
Photo: Simona D'Auria on Unsplash
The short version
- Ambiguous loss is loss without clear closure.
- It includes someone physically present but psychologically absent, or physically gone without certainty.
- Learning to hold “both/and” helps.
Some losses don’t come with funerals. A parent with dementia. A sibling lost to addiction. An estranged child. A partner who has changed. Family therapist Pauline Boss named this ambiguous loss.
Two types
- Physically absent, psychologically present: a missing person, an estranged family member, a deployed loved one.
- Physically present, psychologically absent: dementia, serious mental illness, addiction, a brain injury.
Why it’s so hard
There’s no clear ending, no ritual and often little recognition from others. Grief gets “frozen,” and people may feel guilty for grieving someone who is still alive.
What helps
- Name it: “This is ambiguous loss.”
- Hold both/and: “She is here and she is gone.” “I love him and I can’t be close to him.”
- Create your own rituals for what has changed.
- Find people who understand: caregiver groups, Al-Anon, estrangement support.
- Redefine your relationship rather than waiting for things to return to how they were.
Questions people ask
Can you grieve someone who is alive?
Yes. Grief for changed or lost relationships is real and valid.
Written by Mara EllisonWriter behind Therapist Words and author of two self-help books. Not a licensed therapist; content is checked against professional sources. About · Editorial policy
This article is for education, not therapy or medical advice. Read our disclaimer. In crisis? Call or text 988.
