Self-Compassion: What It Is, What It Isn’t, and How to Practice
The three parts of self-compassion, why it’s not self-pity or laziness, and simple daily practices.
The Inner Critic: Where It Comes From and How to Quiet It
How childhood criticism can become your inner voice, the survival rules your critic may still repeat, and how to respond with curiosity instead of obedience.
By Mara Ellison··3 min read
The short version
- The inner critic often echoes voices and rules from childhood.
- It usually tries to protect you (from rejection, failure, embarrassment) in harsh ways.
- You don’t have to silence it; you can stop obeying it.
“You’re so stupid.” “Everyone can tell you don’t belong.” “Don’t embarrass yourself.” Most people have an inner critic. For some, it never stops talking.
8 ways childhood criticism can become your inner voice
- Criticism repeated often enough becomes self-talk
- Being praised only for achievement teaches you that worth is conditional
- Being teased for feelings teaches you to mock your own
- Watching a parent criticize themselves models the habit
- Unpredictable punishment teaches you to criticize yourself first, before someone else can
- Comparison with siblings becomes constant self-comparison
- Being told you’re “too sensitive” becomes self-dismissal
- Perfectionist standards become your baseline
The critic’s old survival rules
Many inner critics repeat rules like:
- “Don’t make mistakes, or you’ll be rejected.”
- “Never relax; something bad will happen.”
- “Don’t want too much.”
- “Be small and quiet.”
- “Stay ahead of criticism.”
These rules may once have kept you safe. Now they may keep you stuck.
How to respond differently
- Notice and name it: “That’s the critic.”
- Get curious: “What are you trying to protect me from?”
- Answer as a kind coach would: “You made a mistake. You can fix it. That doesn’t make you stupid.”
- Check the evidence. See cognitive distortions.
- Practice self-compassion daily. Try our self-compassion break.
Shifts from self-criticism to curiosity
| Self-criticism | Curiosity |
|---|---|
| “Why am I like this?” | “What happened right before that?” |
| “I always ruin things.” | “What’s one thing I’d do differently?” |
| “I’m so lazy.” | “What’s making this hard right now?” |
| “I should be over this.” | “What do I still need?” |
Try it: Self-Compassion BreakA guided, three-step self-compassion break you can do in two minutes when you’re being hard on yourself.
Open Questions people ask
Will being kinder to myself make me lazy?
Research on self-compassion suggests the opposite: people who treat mistakes with kindness tend to be more willing to try again and improve.
When is the inner critic a sign of something more serious?
If self-criticism is constant, includes hopelessness or thoughts of self-harm, please reach out to a professional or call or text 988.
Written by Mara EllisonWriter behind Therapist Words and author of two self-help books. Not a licensed therapist; content is checked against professional sources. About · Editorial policy
Sources and further reading
This article is for education, not therapy or medical advice. Read our disclaimer. In crisis? Call or text 988.
