Surviving the Holidays With Family: A Mental Health Plan
A practical plan for Thanksgiving, Christmas and other gatherings: expectations, boundaries, exit plans and recovery time.
Dealing With Difficult Parents as an Adult
How to relate to critical, controlling or emotionally immature parents as an adult, protect your well-being, and decide what kind of relationship you want.
By Mara Ellison··3 min read
Photo: Roman Kraft on Unsplash
The short version
- You can’t change your parents, but you can change how you respond.
- Lowering expectations and setting limits can reduce pain.
- Contact can range from close to limited to none; each can be valid.
Visiting home can turn a confident adult into a nervous kid within an hour. If your parents are critical, controlling, dismissive or emotionally immature, adult relationships with them can be painful.
Patterns many people describe
- Criticism disguised as “concern”
- Guilt-tripping and comparisons
- Dismissing your feelings
- Expecting you to manage their emotions
- Not respecting your choices, partner or parenting
What helps
- Grieve the parent you wanted. Accepting who they are, not who you hoped, can lower hurt.
- Lower expectations for empathy in areas where it’s never come.
- Plan visits: shorter, with an exit plan and support.
- Set limits on topics. See boundaries with parents.
- Respond, don’t react: “I hear you’re worried. I’ve got it handled.”
- Build chosen family for the support you need.
Deciding on contact
| Level | What it can look like |
|---|---|
| Close | Regular contact with clear boundaries |
| Limited | Fewer, shorter, structured interactions |
| Low/no contact | Minimal or no contact, often for safety or well-being |
There’s no single right answer. A therapist can help you weigh your needs, values and safety.
Try it: Boundary Script BuilderChoose the situation, your limit and your tone, and get a short, kind boundary script you can edit and copy.
Open Questions people ask
Am I a bad person for going low contact?
No. Many people choose distance after repeated harm. It’s a personal decision, and support can help you make it thoughtfully.
Written by Mara EllisonWriter behind Therapist Words and author of two self-help books. Not a licensed therapist; content is checked against professional sources. About · Editorial policy
This article is for education, not therapy or medical advice. Read our disclaimer. In crisis? Call or text 988.
